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...she walked in through the out door.
There is something
                               something urgent
I have to say to you
               and you alone
And so
               with fear in my heart
                             I drag it out
and keep on talking
             for I dare not stop.
                        Listen while I talk on
against time.
            It will not be
                         for long.
Only give me time,
                 time to recall them
                         before I shall speak out.
Give me time,
I cannot say
              that I have gone to hell
                         for your love
but often
              found myself there
                         in your pursuit.
I do not like it
              and wanted to be
                         in heaven. Hear me out.
Do not turn away.
I have learned much in my life
              from books
                         and out of them
about love.
                     a love engendering
gentleness and goodness
               that moved me
                          and that I saw in you.
I should have known,
               though I did not,
                          that the lily-of-the-valley
is a flower that makes many ill
               who whiff it.

William Carlos Williams, Asphodel, That Greeny Flower I   

Stanislav Ginzburg - Hidden Place I.jpg

Running away is what we both prefered.
But is that
an option -

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Se vogliamo che tutto rimanga com'è, bisogna che tutto cambi.
Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa, Il Gattopardo


Francesca Woodman - Untitled

Keep your strength. The air will carry you.


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So many people enter and leave your life
Hundreds of thousands of people
You have to keep the door open so they can come in
But it also means you have to let them go
Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

me - July 2014


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Edith! The 7-year-old girl played with her elder brothers in a room nearby when she heard the breathless voice of her mother. Go, tell your father I must see him. The girl run out in the sunshine to the barn. Her father, a farmer and major of a small village, hurried to her mother's sickbed and shut the door behind him. After a short dialogue which the children curiously tried to overhear he went out to harness the horses. In the afternoon he returned with the officiating notary from town, who went to her mother, bedridden by tuberculosis since two long years now.

My mother knew that she'll die, so she wanted to dictate her will, my aunt Edith told me more than 80 years later. Oh, she must have felt death coming soon, for shortly after the notary's visit she died. I saw her testament for the first time 14 years later, when I was of full age. Her signature...it was so frail, so frail. She knew that my father had to remarry soon after her death...imagine, we were four children, and a farmer needed a wife, there was so much hard work to be done. My mother also knew he will have children with his second wife, and that this wife will benefit her own offspring someday. So she wanted to dispose her dowry not to her husband but to her children. She had a dowry of 5000 Goldmark, my dear, quite a sum at that time! To each of my three elder brothers she disposed 1000 Goldmark and to me 2000 Goldmark "to enable my daughter a good formal education". Because of this heritage I could attend a college, earn my own living and grow up to be an independent woman. My father wouldn't allow that, I was only a girl. But she did.

I admire this woman, who was so clear-sighted at the verge of death. Who died in the old way, with a keen sense for the very hour of her death, settling her matters, settling the matters of the ones she was responsible for.

Ferdinand Hodler - Valentine Gode-Darel

More than half a century later, after war and flight, closed and reopened borders my aunt visited her mother's grave and wept bitterly for a mother who could only guard her by her last will.

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I want to be like the drunk who wanders through the world, staggers into rooms, and utters truth. Transparent, embarrassing, unfaceable, irrepressible. I will never be like that; I will always be the prissy too-many-things-to-consider.
Alice B. Sheldon, Note, n.d., on stationary from the Seymour, Mary's New York Hotel

To have the guts to be bold and proud without being irresistible - too risky, indeed.

Scott Schuman - Rue Ampre Paris

Style is when they're running you out of town and you make it look as if you're leading the parade.
Sebastian Horsley, Dandy in the Underworld

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Many years ago we visited the great Portuguese Synagogue of Amsterdam, which is illuminated down to the present day only by hundreds of candles.

Two Sephardim stood in the anteroom, deep in conversation. First we hesitated to disturb them. "May we go in?" One of them smiled and said: "You're welcome. But we will not invite you."

A sentence I could have said to everyone who entered my life.

film still of Sleepy Hollow (1999)

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I drank coffee and read old books and waited for the year to end.
Richard Brautigan, Trout Fishing in America

Current Music: Julian Smith - I'm reading a book

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And in any language
I knew they were saying
The future was cutting us free.

Judy Collins,

cover of Maurizio Cattelan's magazine \\"Toilet Paper\\"
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Mein Herz gehört dem Kopf.
Arno Schmidt, Das Buch Jedermann. James Joyce zum 25. Todestag


As the youngest child with much elder siblings I always longed to grow older and this wish will never wear off.

Alicia Savage Destinations


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Das Jahr vergeht in Monatsraten.
Es ist schon wieder fast vorbei.
Und was man tut, sind selten Taten.
Das, was man tut, ist Tuerei.

Erich Kästner, Herbst auf der ganzen Linie

Robert ParkeHarrison - Lucid Dream

New year's morn', the sun breaks through the clouds.

Use your time means use your life.
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Yesterday morning I found a dead cat on the pavement. Her white and silver-grey fur was soaked in blood, although no external injuries were visible. Maybe she was hit by a car. I lifted her up in my arms and carried her away as careful as I would have done if she had been alive. The body was still warm, her eyes still clear.

dead cat 27-12-2013

This year brought illness, despair, loss, death of friends and relatives.
A friend of mine once said, she always thought that age will numb oneself against these strokes. But quite the contrary, it thins the skin.
She was right.

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I continue opening boxes.
I find more faded and cracked photographs than I want ever again to see.
I find many engraved invitations to the weddings of people who are no longer married.
I find many mass cards from the funerals of people whose faces I no longer remember.
In theory these mementos serve to bring back the moment.
In fact they serve only to make clear how inadequately I appreciated the moment when it was there.
Joan Didion, Blue Nights

I myself placed her ashes in the wall.
I myself saw the cathedral doors locked at six.
I know what it is I am now experiencing.
I know what the frailty is, I know what the fear is.
The fear is not for what is lost.
What is lost is already in the wall.
What is lost is already behind locked doors.
The fear is for what is still to be lost.
Joan Didion, Blue Nights

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