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Threshold
...she walked in through the out door.
The shock.
The silence that followed.
The distance.

The distance.

You broke the bridge. On your side.

More brutal, more radical than I ever dared to experience
within cyberhell.


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Most probably I'll never find out why. My perception, blurred. My judgement, torn between instinctive knowledge and hope, preposterous to reason.

We go round and round in circles, he said.
Yes.
It must stop
.

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And so I whirl around and around,
in this breathtaking,
vertignious merry-go-round,
until the reaper
asks me for the last dance.


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The tower is fifty ells down and the same up. There is a man kept in the dungeon under the tower. The king has bound him to his conscience with a chain. After a wonderful life he is counting days, but not waiting.
On the top of the tower lives an astronomer. The king bought him a telescope to bind him to the universe. The astronomer counts the stars, but isn't afraid. The man on the top and the man down below fall asleep full of numbers.
That's why they understand each other. They have no pigeon, but a black cat carries messages from the dungeon to the top of the tower.
- There goes another day - it says to the astronomer.
To the prisoner:
- A star was born.
All three of them have green eyes.
From the long vigil, not from hope.

Zbigniew Herbert, Tower

50

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Didn’t you tell me that pain is part of life? I think that we can only feel happiness and true connection to others in rare, intensive moments and that we are condemned to loneliness for most of the time. I shared such moments with you, an intensity that will never be destroyed, regardless of doors you closed and sealed.


Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgwick & Guy Pearce as Andy Warhol in "Factory Girl"

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I expect to make rather a good death. The essence of death is loneliness, and I have had plenty of practice at this.
T. H. White, Diary 1960

Neglect and abandonment, overwhelming, fathomless.
That old feeling, so familiar since earliest childhood, washes away
the fragile sand castles I built and rebuild again and again.



Horace Vernet - The Maiden's Lament.jpg


To seek fire & warmth, only to find
the cold muddy sea, dragging at your clothes.

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eulogy to a hell of a dame

some dogs who sleep at night
must dream of bones
and I remember your bones
in flesh
and best
in that dark green dress
and those high-heeled bright
black shoes,
you always cursed when you drank,
your hair coming down you
wanted to explode out of
what was holding you:
rotten memories of a
rotten
past, and
you finally got
out
by dying,
leaving me with the
rotten
present;
you've been dead
28 years
yet I remember you
better than any of
the rest;
you were the only one
who understood
the futility of the
arrangement of
life;
all the others were only
displeased with
trivial segments,
carped
nonsensically about
nonsense;
Jane, you were
killed by
knowing too much.
here's a drink
to your bones
that
this dog
still
dreams about.

Charles Bukowski


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Last season's fruit is eaten
And the fullfed beast shall kick the empty pail.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
T. S. Eliot, Little Gidding


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...on all the travels that await me

2019


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1947 young writer Truman Capote had the opportunity to visit one of his admired idols, the legendary French author Colette:

Shyness, nerves, I don’t know what it was, but after the first quick study I couldn’t really look at Colette, and was somewhat tongue-tied to boot. Instead, I concentrated on what seemed to me a magical exhibition, some fragment of a dream. It was a collection of antique crystal paperweights.There were perhaps a hundred of them covering two tables situated on either side of the bed: crystal spheres imprisoning green lizards, salamanders, millefiori bouquets, dragonflies, a basket of pears, butterflies alighted on a frond of fern, swirls of pink and white and blue and white, shimmering like fireworks, cobras coiled to strike, pretty little arrangements of pansies, magnificent poinsettias.

Colette draw him into conversation by explaining her fascination with these “snowflakes,” as she calls them. She told him how difficult it is to find these rare objets d'art from the 19th century, immaculate pieces of great craftmanship. Capote was absolutely stunned by one of them, a simple white rose with green leaves sunk in dead center - also one of Colette's favourites. She smiled and handed it over to him as a gift. It started his own collection.

Occasionally I have given a weight as a gift to some very particular friend, and always it is from among those I treasure most, for as Colette said that long-ago afternoon, when I protested that I couldn’t accept as a present something she so clearly adored, 'My dear, really there is no point in giving a gift unless one also treasures it oneself.'

Truman Capote, The White Rose

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I leave that roof, our roof now.
It’s cold and dark.
Treat others better than you treated me.


Time to move on.

I wonder sometimes how I'll look back at this experience in years to come.
I tend to remember the bad moments, the words that hurt, the silence, the neglect.
I tend to look back at the inspiration, the lesson, the value and a man that looked at me once with eyes full of love.


Mond 04-dec-18-b.jpg

https://dalaruan.livejournal.com/59117.html

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"The miles he runs around the world to escape, you run in your mind", she said.

My 'mind'.

And I still miss you.

Mile by mile, man by man.

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Current Music: Liza Minnelli, Mein Herr (Cabaret)

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