My brain was the instrument of my success and my pride, but it also carried all the tools for my destruction.
Elyn R. Saks, The Center Cannot Hold
You called it 'kamikaze', but isn't it something less glorious? A strong, powerful, beautifully crafted engine is sabotaged by its skilled technician, who cuts cables, unfastens screws, pollutes the fuel. The plane can still take off and fly, but something doesn't work, it can't stand turbulences as it once could, it can't reach its destination.
A metaphor, as you love aviation.
It is sad to watch and hard to bear. You endanger and hurt others, yes. But you endanger and hurt yourself as well. As if there is someone inside who hates and tries to destroy you. And yet this can't be all you are. There must also be a part of you that's caring and protective and kind. Only you can give this part the upper hand again.