D. (dalaruan) wrote,

white noise

Watching, not doing. Seeking safety in not  being seen. It's a habit you can fall into, willing yourself into invisibility. And it doesn't serve you well in life. Believe me it doesn't. Not with people and loves and hearts and homes and work.
Helen MacDonald, H is for Hawk

As the child of a refugee who decided to assimilate as fast and as perfect as possible into the new culture and country, I learned very early in life to adapt and to melt into a background like a chameleon. For my mother it was a survival strategy. It came with a high price as you can never deny your roots without betraying yourself. You can never be one of them, remaining a foreigner with a borrowed identity. While your own betrayed identity becomes more and more blurred.

You feel very uncomfortable when the spot is on you, when someone gives you attention. You might be found out as a pretender, a fake, unreal. At the same time you wish someone sees through this masquerade and accepts you as you are. But what are you?

What are you?

Tags: loss, me

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